A Brand New Beginning

Will I ever stand up?

2005-01-31T23:59:00.000-08:00

I'm tired... What may seem to be may not be what it should be. What u see is what u thought u understood. What u dun see is what u do not understand. What is a dead heart. Why does it still function even if its dead? How dead is dead? How down is down? How sad is sad? How deep have i fallen down? With grades falling, with the mind failing, with my soul dying, will there ever be a moment when i can actually stand right up even after i am shattered again and again?

Left all on my own... Wondering all about the unreal reality.
Wondering what is it like to be alive as a human,
Wondering how to become a living being once again,
Wondering where should i head for,
Wondering when will i ever stand up,
Wondering who shall be the one who will light my way up once more.
But will there ever be another who again after all, that particular who will never be replaced?

No matter how much i do for my own friends whom i had helped in solving their own problems
and giving them advice, will i ever be able to solve myself? The mysterious problem which may not even actually exist as a form on its own?

]]Will i ever enjoying smiling again like i used to do?
]]Will happiness ever mean anything to me?
]]Will torment ever stop pursuing me?
]]Will things change for the better?
]]Will i ever live my life again?
]]Will reality ever be real ?
]]Will she come back?
[[She Wun >.<[[

[[I am Fallen]]

-I haf fallen

-I am falling

-I will always be falling.

Will i ever find the answer to everything? If only i can 1 dae. If dat dae ever comes, i will be back blogging. But this may juz as well mark the end of everything coz dat dae may never exist. ~CrestFallen~

*I am not what i seem to be*

Signing off: Fallen

Sorry

2005-01-14T21:59:00.000-08:00

I am a very emotional person... i dun deny dat fact. Plus, coz of dat, im beri sensitive too... but still, still end up very often neglecting signs of problems which i myself haf caused as a result. Why cant i ever be ever more alert towards needs of frnds? All along i alwaes thought dat i knew... but will i ever realli know? After the saga has ended... At first, i was still deeply struck... seriously disappointed in myself, wonderin... how did things end up this wae. But on my priority list... i cldnt get my mine of being realli sorri... coz all my life, i had hope to make others happi but yet i caused unhappiness this time round. I am really sorry. But nowadaes things have been so taxing for me dat i juz cant manage everything. Glad dat u ppl haf accepted my presents at least... That alone is a relieving fact liaoz... haiz...

Im sorry 4 everything that is caused... and i hope that things will turn out better in the future for every1...

*down*

Sec 1 Camp

2005-01-09T16:52:00.000-08:00

Awww finally everything is over... de sec 1 camp is finally over. After all it was a strenuous journey for me. Long before, during december holidaes, came back often... Contributed lots and made lotsa preparations for the camp. At least im glad dat every1 were happi bout my idea of having "The Incredibles" as camp theme... The theme song too... as the gang show cum campfire In Charge, i decided to use "I Dream" as the theme song for every1 to song. Hope all of you out there have enjoyed it.

First day was tiring enough, having slept only 1 hour, and 3 hours on second night.
I will never want to experience the problems which i faced during second day of camp (6 jan thurs), havin to run all over the place, setting up stuff, ensuring sec1 ones prepare their dance items and stuff ( ended skipping my dinner) , havin emcees not following my program ; den coz of it, i faced a huge problem of having the entire campfire in a mess ( dun worri if any of u reads this, u ppl did a good job though it was a mess. It was my fault i tink cause i didnt remind u ppl to follow my program strictly ) , den havin mr edward wong to be damn angry with me ( at the end of campfire, when every1 were celebrating, i had to apologise to him... i said sorri mr wong. and he replied, let me cool down first. dat struck me deeply )

Well, anyway, though i faced lots of problems and was totally stressed out during camp... at least im glad dat its all over and every single 1 enjoyed the campfire such as sec ones, facilitators and teachers ( which even miss tan and miss loo did ! WHEE... dat gave me a great sense of accomplishment ) It was both successful and unsuccessful to me. It didnt worked out the way i had planned but at least i noe i made it enjoyable for every1 to remember =)

*If any 1 of you out there ish unhappy about the gangshow cum campfire, pls let me noe

BBAll

2004-12-28T20:57:00.000-08:00

OMG OMG OMG... i ran faster than my whole bball team 2dae !!! even surpassed de fastest runner by 1 extra round !!! wah song sia... 2 tink last yr i was still among the last few runners, finally my hard work of never slacking has paid off sia... even coach couldnt believe his eyes when he saw me maintaining my first position lead throughout !!! lolz... i dun even believe myself too... but all i noe ish dat nv to stop my pace... this is 1 of da most unbelievable daes of my life sia... lolz

Haiz... seed of chucky is rated M18... sobz*... budden leh... i juz finished DOWNLOADING it !!! lolz... jia lat... hmk still not completed... oh shiet... so many things going on now... can explode liaoz... bball friendly this thursday la, sg-hk project la, sec1 orientation camp la, sec1 cca orientation la... wah seh sia... never ending jobs on my hand... most especially... MY HMK !!! omg... jia lat... god bless me... aniwae kinda broke nowadaes... totally... not a single cent left... kept buying things... haiz

Now i am still considering to go jc or poly sia... heard from marvin dat... at his catholic jc, jc1 students 10% either retain or drop out... jc2 students at most 70% promote to uni... oh sharks... so scary... as a guy, i cant afford to waste 2 yrs of studies if i cant manage... shiet... all bcoz of dat NS thingy haiz... maybe i juz end up in poly... well, if my Olevel results is less than 12... den i go jc bahz... i tink

~waitin n waitin... holdin on 4 as long as i shall be~

dead ?

2004-12-22T00:05:00.000-08:00

Driftin as it seems... Aimlessly... Wif no sense of urgency in life...

I wonder whr my path lie... N whn my true destiny will eva reveal itself... Never stoppin... Ponderin continuously... Who can eva be de true answer to my doubts...

I Wonder

Silenced... in de silent world of my own... Moulding my own dreams... in my own reality... Never being able to realise them will always be my downfall... When will i ever start walking out from my dream. Who will actually have de strength to pull me up. The strength which i do not even possess myself... :(

~Lying here consciously unconscious... 4eva waiting.... waiting 2 4 a miracle... waiting 4 hope~

HMK

2004-12-14T20:10:00.000-08:00

awww so damn tired... after all these while, i still got so many things to bother about... oh damnnit... shiet... Got sec1 campfire la, sg-hk project la, and even my hmk... haiz... sian... this remaining 2 weeks dun seem like holiday anymore... sian... At least i watched lotsa shows 2 keep myself occupied to relieve my stress... Such as movies like incredibles and dodgeball, both of which i downloaded... lolz... and the HK serial drama -> "My Date With A Vampire 3" song sia... plus downloaded episodes of my most favourite anime... "Gundam Seed Destiny" Phew... sian... sec4 startin liaoz... no more playin le... mum said i cannot use com once sch starts... haiz shiet...

~tRaPpEd iN mY pAsT~
~lIvIn iN dE wOrLd oF sOliTuDe n dEcEiT~

Results

2004-12-04T01:27:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah... finally results for re exam out liaoz... whee... passed both... phew* Bought my sec4 bks 2dae too... Den went for bball match with fuchun sec todae... went in to play and gotten arnd 8 points i guess... aniwae durin de last quarter had no more stamina liaoz... den coach saw dat den sub me out... aniwae we won the match in de end. After dat, i felt kinda giddy and wanted 2 vomit. Awww probably due to de fact dat i ate my lunch too late, just b4 match... den while i was resting on the seats, lying down, coach asked if i need ren gong hu xi... lolz siao bo... den he shouted 2 bao xian... hahaz... i almost jumped up... aniwae he was juz jokin... oh ya... my hp also kena into water... damn it... heng only lcd screen spoil... budden dunno wad 2 do bout it liaoz... shiet sia... wad an unlucky dae...

~trapped in my past~

Bball

2004-11-30T00:00:00.000-08:00

Sian sia... so much things going on nowadaes... bball matches and still hafta fix my gundam model... On saturday, played with whitley sec... won them... but 2dae played with tampines sec... lost them... but though we lost, at least we are proud of ourselves... coz we played our best... as what coach said... hehz... aniwae opponent gort 2 players from national team... siao bo... this thurs still got match with jurong sec... den following week still gort match with anderson... woahz... so mani sia lolz aniwae now strugglin 2 find time to rush hmk and revision liaoz... shiet sia... still gort sec 1 camp to settle haiz... yawn* things r getting so taxing...

~god bless me~

Sisters

2004-11-24T19:00:00.000-08:00

Well... kinda tiring sia... holidays still got so much bball matches to play and tough trainings to go for... haiz... Anyway... at least still gort happy things 2 announce. YEAH! now i gort 2 new god sisters liaoz... Rachel and Yuan Yin... =) ... 1 ish nice de other is fun... wow... all of a sudden gort 4 god sis liaoz... 2 original ones joel n grace good enough liaoz... add another two aso can la... budden kinda headache for 4 different bdae prezzie next yr sia ~sHiEt~

hahz... i wont be stingy for those things aniwae... dun worry girls... ur kor will buy nice prezzies for each of u de =p...

kk la... gtg 2 revise for my chemistry re exam liaoz... oops... bbyez

HK

2004-11-14T22:55:00.003-08:00

Haiya... so long nv blog liaoz... oh yeah... now in hk ! hehz... finally on return journey of student exchange trip... It has been a couple of days since i arrived... Kinda FUN ! shopping good and latest stuff, eating nice food... and seeing damn great scenary, went to ocean park... oh man... this is so damn song... aniwae main thing wld be goin 2 sch 2 observe how hk students study n stuff... Within these few days, surprisingly, my cantonese brushed up by a lot !!!... I can even haggle for prices now ! OMG... aniwae if only i cld stay longer to shop... haiz... kk... gtg liaoz... dats all

HK

2004-11-14T22:55:00.002-08:00

Contacts

2004-11-07T22:10:00.000-08:00

Oops... so long nv blog liaoz... aniwae kinda bz... haiz... WEe... left with 3 more days of schooling den can go hk to plae liaoz... hahz not exactly plae actually haiz... gonna study 4 re-exam.

2dae went to make specs... den i suggested wearin contacts... Actually parents disagreed... after the shop ppl suggested it wld help whn participatin in sports, i shld wear... hahaz they agreed liaoz ! yeah... den took kinda long to learn howta wear... so pai seh sia... lucky de jiejie very patient... waited damn long 4 me 2 wear... almost skipped her meal too... while i was wearin, many ppl even persuaded her 2 go eat.. hahaz... i was so pai seh... but aniwae at least after a few times of succeedin wearin on my own, i decided dat i was ok liaoz... phew... tot i gonna stuck there 4 de whole day...

2molo gort trainin... but gonna skip liaoz... coz of practisin de item performance 4 hk trip... lolz... anyway schedule kinda packed... sooo, haben even packed my luggage... hahz... once i reach dere, gonna shop till i drop sia... buy all the crappy stuff i want... den buy back some 4 close frnds too... shiet la... so late liaoz... gonna rush back 2 hmk... gotta go

~The further the distance between us,the more i feel you closer.Even the sadness changes to strength,when i think of you. What is the cause of this poignant sorrow?It's a remaining piece of my dream.~

First day

2004-11-01T19:35:00.000-08:00

After many crappy days, first day of sec4 feeling start liaoz. Started first lesson in sec4 classroom, had supplementary lessons. Went to queenstown sec to learn new singapore dance... lolz folk dance. But that has 2 be taught to all students by next year lolz. Kinda crappy though but sweet n ez. Later 9 pm shall be my first serious revision of my life liao... From now on everyday i will be studying and taking down notes of a topic of a sec3 subject for 1 hour. hehz... dunno if can keep with it or not... but no matter what its a must 2 do it... both 4 my own n ... h*r sake... anyway play now first hehe... kk... thats all
~waiting~
[[ ur voice n sight of u even frm afar melts my heart... ='(
im too useless n hopeless ]]

Converse

2004-10-30T23:08:00.000-07:00

Stayed at home all day till night time then went out. Went to compass point... Felt kinda weird entering a converse shop with a converse pouch, planning to buy quite a couple types of converse items lolz ! Bought new bag, wallet and long sleeve black shirt. Went to popular to read books... Read True Singapore Ghost Stories BOOK-12 ! Out liao... kinda fast sia... Then went on reading horoscope books... Then, i read about something on Ouija board, tarot cards and stuff... These are things which im very curious to try but dun dare to cause of fear of whichever after effects they may bring. Then the writer russel lee of TSGH book 12 mentioned never to dabble with such things, because they are of demonic origin. Kinda taken aback though... I guess next time if there is a chance, i rather not touch them.

Haiz... feelin kinda bored all day, every day... Lost and trapped in my own world... My life lacks energy now... And there is only one and only to replenish it... No matter how many girls i see on the streets, i just dun feel a single thing... Got once, a friend motioned to me about all the chio bu around us, he has a stead, yet he cld still be interested in them... Yet i wasnt... weird though* anyway i cld even warn him dat he has a stead n he shldnt even be interested in them...

Why is it that things are so different for me as compared to others? Why cant everyone else cherish the one beside them when they have them? Yet even though i cherish a lot, all the more i lose it all... haiz =(
^Life Is So Upside Down Now* Losing interest in all other things... Pls... hear my pleas... Save me... >.<

Time

2004-10-29T22:03:00.000-07:00

Time flew so fast yet so slow... Now... time for holidays* however its merely de start of supplementary lessons haiz. Last day of school today... kinda disappointing though... coz cldnt see 4 1 last time... haiz, =( ... anyway got back report book and got information of somethings... Lolz kinda unbelievable anyway. Good News and Bad News. Good news, no more re-exam for me... lolz... can go HK with ease liaoz... Bad news, dunno whether not havin re-exam is such a good thing or not... But if have, kinda risky anyway...

CS

2004-10-23T21:34:00.000-07:00

Went out early 2dae... to play cs in a competition between 3e2 and 3e4. Wah kaoz... reached the cybercafe... den not enough place... den a few of us in 3e2 could not play earli. In the end, it was an unfair match. 6 VS 4 ... siao bo... lost like shiet sia, de rest of my frnds who were playing. Den when i started playin to join them, wah kaoz... 3e4 ppl went to play on their own... saying what... 3e2 too "lan" liao... wah kaoz... didnt noe wei cheng, brian and gang all so hao lian. Merely bully people by outnumbering then say such things... kaoz sia... Wad a dae... aniwae heck them liao we 3e2 ppl played on own.... Much more fun... Went home after that...

Sian sia... once holiday starts, hafta go full steam ahead liaoz... haiz.. God bless me... It is so tiring facing everything* so alone... =(

results

2004-10-22T22:00:00.000-07:00

Well... played too many games le... oops sia... too bz 2 post... aniwae results out le... haiz... disappointing... =(... aniwae a new year means a new start... everything will be back on track soon... i promise... Graduation day ended... kinda sad day for the sec4s i guess... some even cried... But ironically... their O levels haven even ended yet alreadi graduated liao ! lolz... how funny... I tried imagining their feelings while in the hall... it must have been kinda sad sad...

Haiz... but nothing can be worse off than feelins of a souless person now... Feeling so dead... so dead... Havin no aim in life... Not wanting to move on... Trapped in an unknown dimension... haiz... if onli sum1 cld guide me out of this misery... But dere is onli 1 n onli... ~no more~ =(

Last dae

2004-10-18T22:30:00.000-07:00

Thats it... Tomorrow decides my fate... Just chatted with friend who borns on same dae, same month, same year as me... but a few hours younger than me, madeline. Talked bout relationship n stuff... Both in same plight lolz... so qiao.. Aniwae while discussing bout my prob, my mood went kinda down... almost reachin de state of feeling like crying it out haiz... Everyday im so haunted by my own memories... Hoping for a miracle yet fearing that nothing i want will ever come true... haiz... So stucked in myself... Now im not interested in ani other gals.. juz dun feel like fallin 4 ani 1 else... yet at de same time still holding on... fallin 4 sum1 else wld b a new beginning yet i realli dun want that 2 happen... its juz so saddening coz a new beginning wld mean forgetting de past... Yet i am still holding on 2 something so painful.. painful till i almost feel like crying the moment i am alone everytime, tinkin of de past haiz... =(

*waiting 4 a miracle... waiting 2 be saved... waiting 4 de glimmer of hope....* >.<~

Waiting

2004-10-17T20:18:00.000-07:00

Well, not dat i dun care bout my results or wad... juz dat i cant do anithing bout it now... Haiz... hopefully im given a chance... once holidae starts, gonna chiong all my subjects, 24/7 everydae 2 hours take down notes of a subject.. hopefully that will save me...

Went 2 suntec 2dae... wEiRd DaE 4 wWeIrDd things... went 2 chinese restaurant... full of china waitresses... but all siao siao 1... kept on eyeing my table... dunno y ... everynw and then, or can sae within 1 minute, can have 10 waitresses coming over planning to change my plate ! lolz dunno whats their prob... gort a few times my plate got food they aso wanna changee... SIAO... lolz den when i went mac, suddenly kinda taken aback when i first saw how they changed their wae of service, it is like so damn empty yet they still need a person to go arnd with MAC PDA 2 take down orders... lolz so dotz sia... i was merely buying a sundae... wEiRd.

*still trapped in vortex of pain... haunting me everydae... memories kept flooding my mind.... Juz cant get it outta my head... tears almost roll down everytime when im alone... i need hlp... but the onli 1 who can do so... is me or her... haiz... Now dat im left 2 fend 4 myself, how i wonder whn will i eva be saved...*

~waiting~

Dotz

2004-10-16T12:00:00.000-07:00

What else can possibly happen 2 me... Life is so upside down now... First was relationship, Second is my current plight in risk of retaining... Now, so alone, no 1 else 2 lean 2... no 1 else 1 cling on 2 4 support...

How i wish i cld juz 4get bout everything n start life anew... But wads done cannot be undone... Nth can be done 2 salvage both my problems... If onli i cld go back in time, if onli i can redo what was done and things wld hab been different 2dae... =(... So stressed out in everything... Feel like crying it out at times... but tears juz wont come out coz its juz too swelled up in my heart... Feelin so trapped... Caged in my own soul by my own problems... >.<

*Hopefully miracle happens...*
~waiting n waiting~ <4>

Last Hope

2004-10-15T19:15:00.000-07:00

Phew... i dun tink will fail english... dat means left with 1 last subject to pass... LIT !!!... dotz sia... hopefully i dun flunk it even though ms ow said mani ppl dun do as well in it... shiet man... haiz... Next tues is the deciding dae le... darn... haiz... if onli dere is sum1 4 me 2 turn to... =( ... it sure does not feel good being in such a plight, facing it alone...

X'ams Results

2004-10-14T02:34:00.000-07:00

Well Well Well... Exam results take back le... How much betta off can i possibly be? Failing 5 out of 8 subjects... almost kena retain or can sae still got 50% chance of getting retained !... haiz... pathetic... Now still hafta rely on that remaining lit and english and phy to pass to get me on to sec 4s... diaoz* haiz... good luck 2 myself sia... I guess i will be startin 2 buck up once holidae starts... Gonna take down notes for every chapter of every subject everydae le... doing it as a means of revision haiz... Hopefully i will make it... Oh god... Good luck 2 de rest of u out dere...

*GOD BLESS ME !!!! HELP !!!*

Ice Skating

2004-10-13T05:29:00.000-07:00

Haiz... Short holidae end le... 2molo needa return sch... Aniwae had a wild dae goin ice skating n plaein cybercafe... quite a lot happened sia... A gal kena fits while skating... den XF lost hp... wah seh... dunno y shooo mani things happen. Haiz... gonna take back papers le... dunno will fail how mani sia.. oh shit la... y m i in such a bad situation... haiz... =(

Feelin kinda down 2dae even though had a wild dae wif de rest... Kinda isolated myself frm da world... Alwaes keepin 2 myself alone... listenin 2 music while reminiscing de past =(... its alwaes recurring... juz dunno y... probably it has alreadi dugged itself deep into my soul haiz :'-( Had a bad dream a few daes ago... Dreamt dat i lost her 2 sum1 else... Juz dunno y... almost felt souless as if life has lost its meaning... haiz... aniwae zou yi bu kan yi bu...

*waitin n waitin till i fall*

No Sch

2004-10-12T20:00:00.000-07:00

YEAH... woke up kinda late 2dae coz last nite plaed till arnd 2 - 3 plus am... Den went 2 plae gb 2 finish up earnin my money... Hehz finally bought my creature violet... damn cool... Den went out 2 rollerblade 2 satisfy my long term cravin' sia... Went out at 4.30pm den blade till arnd 7pm... hahaz siao bo... den bladed all over the neighbourhood over LONG distances... hehz den went 2 punggol park n bladed round n round continuously with no restin' 4 about 16 rounds bahz haha siao bo... Total distance i roller bladed 2dae ish arnd maybe 19.2 KM !!! haha almost 20 km... can blade from hougang 2 yishun le lolz... too bad cant go over 2 plae lolz... *while goin rnds in de park... i was kinda distracted haiz... still tinkin of her... hopefully she did well 4 exams* Aniwae nw going back 2 plae gb 2 slack le... Okie... dats all...

Exams Over

2004-10-11T22:00:00.000-07:00

Woo Hoo... Finally exams over liaoz. After sloggin everynite until 11 pm... Finally its a nite when i dun needa sleep earli lohz... Aso, no needa drink dat 2pid chicken essence le lolz... Phew... wad a dae sia... After chinese exams, going 2 kovan 2 plae bowling... aiyo plae till finger damn pain... haiz.... Den went 2 Chiltern Prk Wif Ian... Wah seh... damn shiok... went dere plaed squash and tennis wif timothy alex n de rest of de gals hu were dere... HEhz, so long nv plae tennis le since pri 5... didnt expect i cld still plae betta and even manage 2 learn howta serve the ball... Damn shuang... Aniwae plaed till arnd 7 pm.. darn late... reach home le kinda tired... Aniwae went 2 plae gb to cont' earnin money for my fav item... Creature Violet. Lolz... kinda lame aniwae... Well, hopefully frm 2dae onwards, everything will change n become betta... Dats all Folkz

First

2004-10-04T18:07:00.000-07:00

My New Beginning At De Horizon

...

2004-10-04T01:06:00.000-07:00

....